Category: Relationships

What Is Your Communication Style?

Sounds like a simple question, right? The use of language is our way communicate. Language can be expressed verbally, in writing, behaviourally, and in abstract art to relay messages. Our communication style is our tone of voice in how we communicate and in conjunction with our behaviours (non-verbally with body language), but did you know there are 5 styles to communicate? The 5 styles are:

  1. Aggressive- violating the persons rights and needs by using anger.
  2. Passive- Aggressive- denying your negative feelings even though it is obvious.
  3. Assertive- expressing feelings and needs in a way that respects the other person’s beliefs.
  4. Submissive / Passive- Being unclear with how you feel and easily persuaded to take on others’ needs.
  5. Manipulative- Exploiting and mentally distorting with the intention to gain power and control of others’.

Identifying your style helps in how you confront issues in your life. Sometimes we have distorted ways of thinking or perceiving an event, which can influence our communication. Below is a copy of 15 styles of distorted thinking taken from Vanderlygeek:

Identifying and naming how you comprehend information is important when trying to change. Our perception is always different, but when we have negative thoughts controlling how we communicate, it impacts our relationships and quality of life.

What can you do? The use of I statements help in relaying how you feel without imposing or discrediting others. Examples of I statements are:

  1.  I feel… sad (emotion) when you criticize my cooking.
  2. I feel… annoyed when you interrupt me mid sentence.

 

 

 

 

Three Things You Should Not Say to Your Partner

Sometimes, it can be difficult to express how you feel to your partner, especially if it always ends in an argument. There are three starting statements you can avoid using when expressing yourself. Dr. John Gottman’s short clip below reviews three things you never say in an argument. These three statements are:

  1. You never
  2. you always
  3. Anything that is insulting or acting superior

These three statements indicate a hierarchy, essentially a power imbalance to reject your partner’s character. Dr. Gottman states that respect and equality is one of the basic foundations in having a healthy relationship. Feeling like you are being heard and valued in your relationship is an important component. When this does not occur, it can leave a person feeling resentful and angry.

Empathy and reflective listening can help you validate and understand your partners perspective without being defensive. To be able to express your perspective without put downs, you can try using I statements to explain yourself.

 

Photo take from Cliparts.co

Inside Out and Emotional Regulation

Helping Children express their emotions have been linked to academic success. Children need to feel good and believe they are capable of achieving anything. Self confidence has a lot to do with how a person views themselves and in relation to others. When children are exposed to environments that are nurturing and stable, they flourish.

Of course this is not a new concept but an important reminder. Children respond to stress with their emotions and behaviours. There is no such thing as a bad child, but there is such thing as a lost child. The hope is to help children find ways to cope with uneasy feelings through empathy and discussions.

The questions copied and pasted below was taken from a blog post on Emotions Affect Learning, Behaviours, and Relationships. The author discusses how healthy emotional regulation is integral for children and their brain development. The film INSIDE OUT was highlighted as an example of how a child develops core memories and the relation to their emotional health. The author developed the questions below to promote self-reflection and awareness within children by using questions connected to the film.

Questions for Children

“Sadness helped Joy in the film, and your own Sadness can help you.

1. How do you cope with Sadness?
2. Can you use your Sadness to feel better? How?
3. What would happen if we never felt Sadness? Is it sometimes good to keep Sadness inside a circle so that it does not spread and get out of control? Why?

Fear and Anger can protect and motivate us.

4. When was Fear needed in your life?
5. How did Fear help you?
6. What is the perfect amount of Fear?
7. What happens to our thinking and problem solving when we carry too much Fear or Sadness?
8. How does Anger show up in your brain?
9. Has Anger ever helped you?
10. How do you typically handle your Anger?

Disgust keeps us from being poisoned physically and socially.

11. How has the feeling of Disgust helped you?
12. How has expressing Disgust hurt your relationships or experiences?

In the film, Joy plays the leading role among the feelings in Riley’s brain.

13. Does Joy always play the leading role in our brains?
14. What happened when Joy and Sadness left headquarters?
15. How do we see Joy in your brain?
16. What creates Joy to take over your brain?

Imagine having no feelings at all.

17. What would life be like if we didn’t have feelings?
18. Describe two positive changes in our life if we didn’t have feelings.
19. Describe two negative changes that could occur in a life with no feelings.” (Dr. Lori Desautels, March 10, 2016)

(photo taken from Cliparts.co)

The Teenage Brain

Dr. Daniel Siegel has written several books on brain development. His research has an influential impact on how we can interact with children and youth. Brain maturation ends when an individual turns 25 years old. The underdeveloped part of the brain that is still forming is called the prefrontal cortex.  The prefrontal cortex masters the following functions:

  • impulse control
  • attention
  • decision making
  • logical thinking
  • complex planning
  • organization
  • risk management
  • personality development, and
  • short term memory

These functions have an important role in healthy brain development. Understanding that your child and/ or youth are unable to follow the above functions may help when evaluating your expectations of them. Compassion goes a long way when discussing topics with your child. Hearing what their struggles are and validating them, helps break down barriers within your communication style. Remember, they are just like you and want to be heard and acknowledged too.

(Photo taken from Cliparts.co)

 

The Four Horsemen

Managing conflict in relationships can be overwhelming, especially if we are emotionally flooded. Dr. John Gottman, created the concept The Four Horsemen. He focused on four destructive communication styles in relationships.

A brief summary of The Four Horsemen are:

  1. Criticism: Attacking your partners character rather than the unwanted behaviour.
  2. Defensiveness: Blaming your partner to protect yourself in an argument.
  3. Contempt: Using name calling to put down your partner when attempting to prove a point.
  4. Stonewalling: Ignoring your partner during an argument because you have withdrawn from the conversation.

The video below provides a helpful animated narrative of how this concept impacts relationships.

(Photo taken by Cliparts.co)

Relationship Maintenance

Relationships take work.
There is no such thing as a perfect couple, because the idea of perfection, is a figment of our imagination. Relationships are evolving and fluid partnerships with another person. Our life experiences influences how we relate to others. This is called Attachment. Attachments provides a basis to our ability to connect with others. Take this quiz to see what relationship attachment style you are.
Overall, maintaining healthy relationships comes from having a compassionate heart. Using empathy and kindness towards another person can go a long way, especially when discussing frustrating topics.  Dr. John Gottman provides 20 thought provoking questions that will help develop insight when communicating with your partner.

https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-most-important-aspects-of-a-healthy-relationship-that-you-and-your-partner-need-to-satisfy/answer/Howie-Reith

(photo by clipart.co)

Coping with Valentines Day

Valentines day can be a difficult time for people that are not in romantic relationships. It can leave a person feeling lonely, embarrassed, ostracized, angry, resentful, and sad. Having these feelings are normal, especially with the amount of commercialization that February 14th has on consumers. There is a ton of money being made capitalizing on the “happy in love” emotions. Therefore, it is okay and healthy if you are not experiencing these emotions.

Whatever your circumstances may be, it is important to grieve and acknowledge what you are feeling. Once you overcome the heavy feelings, a helpful suggestion would be to change your perspective. Valentines day should not be the only day to express gratitude to your loved ones. Love should be expressed everyday and can be devoted to anyone and anything you choose to show love and gratitude towards.

The link below provides 50 helpful suggestions on how you can express or show love/ gratitude to your loved ones.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/50-ways-to-show-gratitude-for-the-people-in-your-life/

(photo by Cliparts.co)

Emotional Flooding

Emotional regulation is an important aspect to mental health. It is a balance between expressing uncomfortable emotions without losing control. When a person is not accustomed to expressing their feelings or working through them, it can lead to emotional flooding. (For more on emotional regulation, see previous post)

Emotional flooding is when an individual’s central nervous system (brain) is overwhelmed by an influx of stimuli (emotions). This can paralyze the individual’s ability to regulate their mood. The behavior presents to be indifferent or unaffected but is the exact opposite. The person is shutting down due to stress.

For example:

Partner (A) is expressing frustration towards Partner (B)’s undesirable behavior. Partner (B) shuts down and disengages with Partner (A). Perhaps even ignoring Partner (A). This angers Partner (A) and unintentionally antagonizes them to continue with their dissatisfaction towards Partner (B). Partner (B) is experiencing emotional flooding and becomes emotionally frozen.

The article below discusses Emotional flooding in relationships and provided some helpful tips.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephanie-manes/relationship-tips_b_3676764.html

Divorcing Your Mother

What a concept? I found this article interesting. Mostly because it has a lot to do with the self. There are a lot to gain from reading this article if you struggle with a parent. The takeaway i found most interesting was this excerpt:

“[O]ne of the tasks of healthy development, whether or not one chooses to eliminate or limit contact with a mother in the real world, is to deal with the mother inside of ourselves. This means that we have to learn not to treat ourselves as we were treated by our mothers, and also not to choose partners who are like our mothers. (Often, despite our best intentions, we repeat that pattern.)”

Such an incredible insight in destructive views of self that I feel is helpful in building our awareness to stop any patterned behaviours.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201508/should-you-divorce-your-mother?

Building Trust

Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute is a well known author/ expert/ researcher in breaking down communication barriers within a dyadic relationship. In the clip below he talks about building trust.